2011 and Today

I know I haven't posted for a long time. Perhaps the struggles have lessened and daily life has increased. In January, as most of us do, I wrote out some goals. Here is my list below.

Daily Goals for 2011

Scripture reading and praying

serving husband

teaching/disciple girls

resting in the Lords daily plans for me

making a schedule

family read alouds

church attendance

personal growth reading

gardening

exercising

healthy diet

These things I would like to accomplish this year with the Lord’s help. I would very much enjoy my heart being all there and my body having the energy and gumption to give it all I have got. My time with my girls is shortening. It will be a great opportunity to share these next years with them.

I am so thankful for this list as it has helped me to focus on trusting the Lord for help, guidance and most of all the "resting in the Lords daily plans for me". That has been the hardest this year with the move and the changes. Many questions I have had, but so far 2011 has proven that His plans for my day are just as real and true as His plans for my life. It is so easy to say "God is sovereign and has all my days numbered". Can we trust that this day, no matter how mundane or insignificant or frustrating, was one of those numbered days? It is a challenge and comes only by the renewing of our minds. Well it is only February and the rest of the year is yet to come, good to know it won't take my Father by surprise. By the way, two weeks from now marks the one year anniversary of starting over. It is so good to see God's faithfulness yet again.

Letting go......again.

Tonight's musings: Well it must be about pruning or cutting the apron strings or letting go. I think you get the picture. My daughter is in Africa. She had a situation. She needed me but couldn't get to me. She felt the weight of making the wrong decision, and I feel the sadness in my heart that I couldn't help her. Although the weight of consequences is one I want her to feel, but I want to be there to remind of truths like "we all fall short of the glory of God" and His mercies are new every day" and "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ." There are many more that come to mind and I want to shout them from here to Africa so that she will hear them and be built up in the Lord and encouraged to keep running the race. I must trust that the one who wrote these truths in His word also has and will write them on her heart. He is forever faithful.

As a side note, she and I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding recently and two of my favorite scenes are "why you want to leave me" and "Is he good boy, I don't know. Is he "something else" I don't know." Tonight I feel like this greek dad who has to let go. (By the way, his daughter is 30) MINE IS NOT. However all this is preparation for the future. What future "I don't know." Because I do not know what lies ahead for her or for me, but I do know this, the Creator of the Universe knew before the foundations of the earth that my daughter would go to Africa, and how He would use this in her life and mine. I also know that He is good and that He loves her with a pure love. My prayer tonight is that in this time and that place, that she will find Christ to be all she needs.

My Thankful List

Tonight as a family, we all wrote a list of the things we are thankful for. We shared our lists with each other when we were done. It is amazing to me how the Lord put many of the very same things in each of our hearts. And no, it wasn't nice cars or ipods or things money can buy. It was the core of who we are as a family, and as americans but more importantly, who we are as christians. In fact we talked about the truth that without Christ, none of these other things could be so, nor would they mean as much, it is only in Him that we really know how to rejoice and to see that every good and perfect gift comes from above.

I am also amazed at how this years struggle has been one for gratefulness. It is always there but gets pushed to the side when the pangs of loneliness and fear cloud the way. Taking each thought captive is a must. So what to do when we are weak? Isn't that where the body of Christ comes in, to encourage and help a brother who is going through a weak time? This was on my list, this body of believers of which we are a part, of which Christ bought for us. It should not be taken for granted as some do.

So to end this Thanksgiving Day, I am continuing my pursuit of gratefulness and when I am weak, I know He has given me all I need.

Ruminating

ruminating: to ponder or consider

Today it is hitting me that my oldest daughter is about to take her first flight (both literally and figuratively). She will be traveling to Africa with a team of adults to serve them and an orphanage. She is growing up and moving on. This is what we want for our children. We set out to train them to serve and depend on the Lord alone. Oh, but the letting go is harder than I thought. Sometimes being a big picture person is a real bummer. That makes me laugh, as my friend always told me "everyone doesn't think like you do". I cannot just see that she will leave for two weeks, I see that this is the first flight which will eventually lead to the next and then the final flight from the nest. I suppose it would be hard whatever circumstances but this year is hard because of the loneliness I feel in my new life. It is not necessarily due to the amount of time spent with people. It is more related to the intimacy of relationships. They are not as deep, because the majority of relationships are new. My relationships with my family are changing. My girls are getting older which translates to, more independence. It doesn't help that all this comes during hunting season, a time when I normally feel alone. So what is all this aloneness about? Well scripture says " God's will is for my sanctification." I feel it everyday. I have been trying to be faithful to whatever the Lord has for me each day. There are times when I feel that I am missing so much but then must turn my heart to Him and know that He is performing His perfect will.

Fall Vacation

As you may know, this is my year of change, learning to rejoice in everything and seeking Him as I live each day. We have arrived at the hunting lease in Georgia. For the last 5 years we have been blessed to camp and hunt with friends for a extended period of time. It ranged from 2-5 weeks and 3 to 5 families. This year however we will not all be together as in the past. There will be two families joining us for about 5 days. Then we will see other families but not for camping and hunting. Perhaps things will work out for some camping but as has been true all year, so it is true now, that I have no idea what the plans will be or what the changes will look like, but I am thankful for the blessings of what I have, even if different from what I have had.

Gratitude

I have been contemplating, cultivating a heart of gratitude. Since there are struggles here with my new life in this new place, what does it look like to be grateful. Now I know that I could list all the things that aren't wrong with my life, but I seriously want to be grateful for the life I am living, not just the one I am not.

A couple of days ago, I assigned my 12 year old a writing assignment. The title was to be My New Life in Tennessee. (I really didn't connect the assignment and what was going on with me, at least not consciously). She wrote the following.

My New Life in Tennessee by ERA

Life is a lot different than when we lived in Florida. Houses are farther apart and your farther from town. We have a lot more trees. I like it better in Tennessee than in Florida. One, it is not so crowded. Two, it is a lot prettier, mountains, wildflowers, and crystal clear lakes. Three, our family isn't split up all the time like we used to be. We are homeschooled, so we get done with school about 12:30, then we do our chores and then sometimes we play outside or read. I love my home in Tennessee.

Although we might need to work on the writing abilities, I am truely amazed at the grateful heart. She is taking what she has and being thankful. I want to do that also.

Until next time..............

Loneliness

I have been really feeling lonely lately. I knew it was there, but kept turning my eyes upward and knowing that the Lord has a plan. Last week the tears began to flow pretty constant, even now as I write this and think about loneliness, my eyes are welling up with tears. Just to think about how many people suffer from this everyday and for many years, is enough to break my heart. It is not as if I have no one, many of them literally have no one. I have a wonderful husband, who is just really busy right now trying to keep his head above the water and the tides of this economy and all the changes in our life. I have four beautiful daughters , I am undone thinking about how the Lord has kept them and continues to work in their lives. However, they are growing up. The oldest two are best friends, the youngest two play together. I have a new church with wonderful, warm and caring brothers and sisters. They are all in different seasons of their lives with young children and many of them are several years younger than I. It makes me feel as if I have no one because it seems everyone has someone. I have my dear husband of course but when times are busy like now, it is so hard to connect in a way that really fills me. I am such a people person with such a need to "connect" and I realized today that I am completely missing the many days of fellowship I had in our home before our move. I was a part of a large community and active in many things. Now my days are simple. It was something that I had wanted but had no real idea of how the pangs of loneliness would affect my soul. So much so, that at the first opportunity to "have a party," I really let down my guard. I just operated out of such a desire for fun and fellowship. That could be really dangerous if the Lord didn't keep me and I am so glad He has shown me this place of vulnerability so that I can be on guard. It was a safe place to learn the lesson, and the lesson was easy to remedy. He was faithful to the end as always. Now to lean on Him all the more for this need for fun and fellowship. I wonder if this is just an opportunity to feel for a moment what Jesus felt in the garden when everyone abandoned Him and he needed them to watch and pray. If we remember that we are called to share in the sufferings of Christ, and that trials will come, and that they will purify our faith as gold, then and only then will we look to Christ to be our all sufficient supply. Even though this is just a small taste of suffering, certainly no where near the type of suffering that many of my brothers and sisters around the world are facing. My prayer is that when I am lonely I will remember more deeply those that are truly suffering.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1 2:4

and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:17

But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1st peter 4:13