The wrestle

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp

It is so good.  It speaks to the depths of how I feel, struggle and wrestle with my own humanity and the things of God.  

"You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances, and tedious annoyances really are.  You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemis-though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you except by the will of God and yet God's beloved children curse it because they do not know it for what it is.   Blasphemer!  What compels me to name these moments upheavals and annoyances instead of grace and gift?  Why deprive myself of joy's oxygen?  The swiftness and starkness of the answer startle.  Because you believe in the power of the pit. Really? (I love wickedness) Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love?  That Satan's way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus' way? Why else get angry?  Isn't it because I think complaining, exasperation, resentment will pound me up into the full life I really want?  When I choose -and it is a choice- to crush joy with bitterness, am I not purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness?  Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective- more expedient- than giving thanks?    This daily joy struggle, above all, it is a Jacob-wrestle to see God in the faces we face."  

I was the biggest blasphemer in the room last night.  Although I thought it was them.  Anger poured out of me over injustice to another and all the while I was doing the very thing to them that they had done to the youngest one.  She had a need, to be cared for when hurt, they mocked and showed no concern.   They had a need also, to deny self and have love, and I mocked and showed no concern.  Only that they do what I think is best.  Only that they "see" from the great angry outburst.  They cannot see apart from the grace to see.  Love makes us see, wrath is not what we get from God so that we can see, it was love.  Love.  

Hagar called God the God who sees me.  Then she forgot.   I know He is the God who sees me but I forget too.  It is the giving of thanks that causes me to remember.  

Father, thank you for the cross grace for yesterday and for today and for tomorrow.  Thank you for the struggle that causes me to wrestle with truth and find you there always.  Help me to see today, Grace is what I want, joy and thanksgiving, give me strength to choose Joy above the way of the fall.  Help me to see you..in the midst of this desert, to see the well that is right before my eyes and to drink of the water rather than thirst and die.  In Christ's name I pray, Amen.   

Prayer thoughts

Behold, he is praying.  Acts 9:11

This is the account of Saul praying and Ananias going to him because the Lord told him to.

Faith asks no signal from the skies

To show that prayers accepted rise.

Our Priest is in His holy place,

And answers from the throne of grace.

Morning and Evening

Do I believe in a God who rouses Himself just now and then to spill a bit of benevolence on hemorrhaging humanity?  A God who breaks through the  carapace of this orb only now and then, surprises us with a spared hand, a reprieve, from sickness, a good job and a nice house in the burbs and then finds Himself again too impotent to deal with all I see as suffering and evil?  A God of sporadic, random, splattering of goodness than now and then splatters across a gratitude journal?  Somebody tell me.........what are all the other moments?

And now this-that faith is not a once-in-the-past action, but faith is always a way of seeing, a seeking for God in everything.  And if the eyes gaze long enough to see God lifted in a thing, how can the lips not offer thanks. The truly saved have eyes of faith and lips of thanks.  Faith is in the gaze of a soul.  

The world I live in is loud and blurring and toilets plug and I get speeding tickets and the dog gets sick all over the back step and I forget everything and these six kids lean hard into me all day to teach and raise and lead and I fail hard and there are real souls that are at stake and how long do I really have to figure out how to live full of grace, full of joy,  before these six beautiful children fly the coop and my mothering days fold up quiet?  How do you open the eyes to see how to take the daily, domestic, workday vortex and invert it into the dome of an everyday cathedral? 

Praying with eyes wide open is the only way to pray without ceasing.  

This is from One Thousand Gifts

These are the contemplations of my soul.  I know God is sovereign, good, loving, involved in all the details, fully capable to pull off His great and glorious plan but often I don't live as if I believe it.  My friend told me this week that her husband confronted her and said "you live like an armenian" Well my doctrinal mind says "NO!!!!!!"  and yet often I find myself there as well.  I wonder about this praying with eyes wide open, is there a connection to my living like I don't believe and my times of prayer?

Father, I want to pray like I know you.  Pray like I believe that nothing happens apart from you.  Pray with trust that you are not impotent in any manner, but that the plan of life, salvation, the plan for the ultimate glory of your Son to the plan of my simple life will be carried out just as you deem it to be.  I want to walk in a confidence that you are who you say you are, although I believe, help my unbelief in areas, remove the blinders of my sin, forgive me of my sin, lift me from the pit to see your glory.  Let me pray without ceasing.  Help me to cast my cares upon you for I am impotent to fix my world but you are not.  Amen 

Remembering my mom

My mom struggled really hard with prescription drug abuse after a knee injury. The last years of her life were pretty hard on us. She got a diagnosis of lung cancer and had her first surgery and all went well. After the second surgery, she came home feeling wonderful but several days later, she died. I guess the final thought was that she must have thrown a clot. She died at her home in bed. She was in Missouri at the time although she had lived in Florida with me for many years. Before the knee injury she was a wonderful grandma. It was and is hard to let go and live without a mama. I miss her terribly. Such a sad ending. She was only 56. She lived with so many regrets but she taught me much in those regrets and it has been a source of encouragement when I have faced hard things. I am thankful for that.

Fall is here

The leaves have changed and are beautiful. The weather is cool. The fireplace is warm. This is my second fall living in Tennessee. I am learning each day to enjoy the view of the beautiful mountains. I know that the cold that is coming will bring some joys and some struggles. The main one being that I need to be active. I would much rather sit and study by the fire. However, the calories you burn doing that are insignificant. So treadmill in the basement, here I come.

I am feeling better at times. Still strange pains occurring and fatigued muscles. Learning each day to be more intentional about praising the Lord. He is worthy, on that there is no question. It is really a matter of whether or not I am seeing Him or just looking at myself. Therefore, I have begun to look for Him in the dailyness of life. To look for places of grace and beauty in the moment.

The heat of summer and the coolness in the air.

As I thought about how and what to write this morning, the feeling of the cool morning literally makes me know that seasons change. The heat of summer wears us out and although we enjoy those early days, by the end we need some cool refreshing days. My summer has been hot, both literally and figuratively. Extreme schedules, many visitors, tragedy and the heat of my own sin have brought me to my knees . Being trapped by the sin, wrestling with it and crying for deliverance from it, brought me much sweat and toil. Oh that we can lie down in green pastures. Since moving here to the mountains, I am amazed how scripture is so applicable. Lying down in one of these green pastures that I pass everyday with a beautiful blue sky and mountains all around, the coolness of the breeze, can you imagine the peace. Can you just feel the first days of cool weather? When our Lord comes in and grants us repentance, it is like these mornings. Just a taste of comfort, a small portion of what it will be like when we are brought into His heavenly kingdom. I am comforted by the truth that seasons change, there is an expectation that brings delight. Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. This life is temporary and the seasons of it are temporary and the trials last for but a moment.

Writing A Book

Well, my young friend Tiffer has always told me to write a book about parenting, being a wife and about life in general. This weekend my new friend Peggy spent about 4 days in our home, she came to me on Sunday and said "you take this for what you want, but I really feel like you should write a book about parenting, being a wife and life in general. " The only thing holding me back is that I feel completely inadequate to write a book, do not feel wise enough to write about life and really have no idea about how to write a book. So that is a small hurdle. LOL, literally. It is very encouraging and kind of these young women, however, I will need the Lord to bring this to pass if it is His will. Anyway it will be a great if I can just be faithful to blogging. :)

Showing Hospitality

I am exhausted physically but so encouraged and charged spiritually today. We have had the opportunity to have missionaries from Africa stay with us for four days. They are the people Bridgette met on her short term missionary trip to Africa. We had people in and out from Thursday to Sunday. Sunday was the whole church, food and fellowship. I enjoy having people in my home so much.

Matt, Peggy and baby Joelle were a delight to have. We enjoyed their fellowship and laughter immensely. It truly was a much needed refreshing.

This week begins the countdown to AGYG. We have rehearsals from 6-10 every night and all day Saturday and Sunday. Then two days off, dress rehearsal for two days and then opening night. It is very exciting. We have learned a lot about the world, ourselves and our God. He is so faithful and His mercies are new everyday.

Navigating open space

I haven’t blogged for a really long time. I think some things have changed, some remain. Today’s post is about my kids.

I have always rejected the idea that I was to send my kids into the world to be ambassadors for Christ at an early age. First of all how do you know that your child is truly saved and therefore an actual ambassador. We have always taught our children to walk in the ways of Christ based on biblical commands, however how could they represent one they do not know, therefore, we felt we must wait.

Now that my children are older and have given credible testimonies of salvation with evidences of repentance, I am ready to send them out as ambassadors of the Lord they claim. However, I am still not ready to send them onto the battlefield all alone or without marching instructions. So off we go into the wide open world to navigate this new space, the theater.

It has been incredible to see how the Lord has met us daily in our reading. We have seen Him answer prayers. We are stretched spiritually and physically. We are having to walk in faith each day to see where he will take us. There are no answers for tomorrow only light for the day. It has been a great thing to walk with my girls on this journey.

#2 stays so close to me, even across the room. She is not venturing into the circles, is it pride, judgement, fear or not wanting to compromise? #1 is all over any laughter or fun that may present itself, is it compromise, trying to reach others for Christ, not using discernment? These are things I cannot give absolute answers for at this time. I see my children having to walk through and make decisions for each step of the way. However, I have been faced with this truth. I am not the author or finisher of their faith. I know the author and finisher of my faith. If their faith is real, He will complete the good work He has begun in them.

This is a new space but I am so thankful that He is giving me the faith to hold onto truth. He isn’t phased by space or time. Since before the foundations of the world, His plan was there, perfect and finished.

2011 and Today

I know I haven't posted for a long time. Perhaps the struggles have lessened and daily life has increased. In January, as most of us do, I wrote out some goals. Here is my list below.

Daily Goals for 2011

Scripture reading and praying

serving husband

teaching/disciple girls

resting in the Lords daily plans for me

making a schedule

family read alouds

church attendance

personal growth reading

gardening

exercising

healthy diet

These things I would like to accomplish this year with the Lord’s help. I would very much enjoy my heart being all there and my body having the energy and gumption to give it all I have got. My time with my girls is shortening. It will be a great opportunity to share these next years with them.

I am so thankful for this list as it has helped me to focus on trusting the Lord for help, guidance and most of all the "resting in the Lords daily plans for me". That has been the hardest this year with the move and the changes. Many questions I have had, but so far 2011 has proven that His plans for my day are just as real and true as His plans for my life. It is so easy to say "God is sovereign and has all my days numbered". Can we trust that this day, no matter how mundane or insignificant or frustrating, was one of those numbered days? It is a challenge and comes only by the renewing of our minds. Well it is only February and the rest of the year is yet to come, good to know it won't take my Father by surprise. By the way, two weeks from now marks the one year anniversary of starting over. It is so good to see God's faithfulness yet again.