Rain

Often we think of the rain as a bother......it makes the day seem dreary but today I am focusing on the arrival of Spring and the beauty that the rain will bring.  My God is an awesome God.  He brings beauty from ashes. 

Thinking......

Snapshots:  They show the moment.  Not the moment before or the moment after.

I must always be cautious of choosing to look at only the snapshot.  Perhaps a shot taken when I wasn't ready or perhaps one where I was so poised and ready, either way, they do not tell the whole story. 

My God does not look at only the snapshot of my life.  He has forgiven all my sins.  He sees me perfect in Christ.  He sees me in eternity no longer stained but pure, no longer wanting but satisfied, no longer asking why but fully trusting. 

Just thinking......

Thankful that Jesus is sufficient for the trials of life but also the mundane.  Feeling a bit overwhelmed and without direction but knowing and trusting the Lord is good and direct and guide all my steps.

The wrestle

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp

It is so good.  It speaks to the depths of how I feel, struggle and wrestle with my own humanity and the things of God.  

"You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances, and tedious annoyances really are.  You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemis-though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you except by the will of God and yet God's beloved children curse it because they do not know it for what it is.   Blasphemer!  What compels me to name these moments upheavals and annoyances instead of grace and gift?  Why deprive myself of joy's oxygen?  The swiftness and starkness of the answer startle.  Because you believe in the power of the pit. Really? (I love wickedness) Do I really smother my own joy because I believe that anger achieves more than love?  That Satan's way is more powerful, more practical, more fulfilling in my daily life than Jesus' way? Why else get angry?  Isn't it because I think complaining, exasperation, resentment will pound me up into the full life I really want?  When I choose -and it is a choice- to crush joy with bitterness, am I not purposefully choosing to take the way of the Prince of Darkness?  Choosing the angry way of Lucifer because I think it is more effective- more expedient- than giving thanks?    This daily joy struggle, above all, it is a Jacob-wrestle to see God in the faces we face."  

I was the biggest blasphemer in the room last night.  Although I thought it was them.  Anger poured out of me over injustice to another and all the while I was doing the very thing to them that they had done to the youngest one.  She had a need, to be cared for when hurt, they mocked and showed no concern.   They had a need also, to deny self and have love, and I mocked and showed no concern.  Only that they do what I think is best.  Only that they "see" from the great angry outburst.  They cannot see apart from the grace to see.  Love makes us see, wrath is not what we get from God so that we can see, it was love.  Love.  

Hagar called God the God who sees me.  Then she forgot.   I know He is the God who sees me but I forget too.  It is the giving of thanks that causes me to remember.  

Father, thank you for the cross grace for yesterday and for today and for tomorrow.  Thank you for the struggle that causes me to wrestle with truth and find you there always.  Help me to see today, Grace is what I want, joy and thanksgiving, give me strength to choose Joy above the way of the fall.  Help me to see you..in the midst of this desert, to see the well that is right before my eyes and to drink of the water rather than thirst and die.  In Christ's name I pray, Amen.   

Prayer thoughts

Behold, he is praying.  Acts 9:11

This is the account of Saul praying and Ananias going to him because the Lord told him to.

Faith asks no signal from the skies

To show that prayers accepted rise.

Our Priest is in His holy place,

And answers from the throne of grace.

Morning and Evening

Do I believe in a God who rouses Himself just now and then to spill a bit of benevolence on hemorrhaging humanity?  A God who breaks through the  carapace of this orb only now and then, surprises us with a spared hand, a reprieve, from sickness, a good job and a nice house in the burbs and then finds Himself again too impotent to deal with all I see as suffering and evil?  A God of sporadic, random, splattering of goodness than now and then splatters across a gratitude journal?  Somebody tell me.........what are all the other moments?

And now this-that faith is not a once-in-the-past action, but faith is always a way of seeing, a seeking for God in everything.  And if the eyes gaze long enough to see God lifted in a thing, how can the lips not offer thanks. The truly saved have eyes of faith and lips of thanks.  Faith is in the gaze of a soul.  

The world I live in is loud and blurring and toilets plug and I get speeding tickets and the dog gets sick all over the back step and I forget everything and these six kids lean hard into me all day to teach and raise and lead and I fail hard and there are real souls that are at stake and how long do I really have to figure out how to live full of grace, full of joy,  before these six beautiful children fly the coop and my mothering days fold up quiet?  How do you open the eyes to see how to take the daily, domestic, workday vortex and invert it into the dome of an everyday cathedral? 

Praying with eyes wide open is the only way to pray without ceasing.  

This is from One Thousand Gifts

These are the contemplations of my soul.  I know God is sovereign, good, loving, involved in all the details, fully capable to pull off His great and glorious plan but often I don't live as if I believe it.  My friend told me this week that her husband confronted her and said "you live like an armenian" Well my doctrinal mind says "NO!!!!!!"  and yet often I find myself there as well.  I wonder about this praying with eyes wide open, is there a connection to my living like I don't believe and my times of prayer?

Father, I want to pray like I know you.  Pray like I believe that nothing happens apart from you.  Pray with trust that you are not impotent in any manner, but that the plan of life, salvation, the plan for the ultimate glory of your Son to the plan of my simple life will be carried out just as you deem it to be.  I want to walk in a confidence that you are who you say you are, although I believe, help my unbelief in areas, remove the blinders of my sin, forgive me of my sin, lift me from the pit to see your glory.  Let me pray without ceasing.  Help me to cast my cares upon you for I am impotent to fix my world but you are not.  Amen 

Remembering my mom

My mom struggled really hard with prescription drug abuse after a knee injury. The last years of her life were pretty hard on us. She got a diagnosis of lung cancer and had her first surgery and all went well. After the second surgery, she came home feeling wonderful but several days later, she died. I guess the final thought was that she must have thrown a clot. She died at her home in bed. She was in Missouri at the time although she had lived in Florida with me for many years. Before the knee injury she was a wonderful grandma. It was and is hard to let go and live without a mama. I miss her terribly. Such a sad ending. She was only 56. She lived with so many regrets but she taught me much in those regrets and it has been a source of encouragement when I have faced hard things. I am thankful for that.

Fall is here

The leaves have changed and are beautiful. The weather is cool. The fireplace is warm. This is my second fall living in Tennessee. I am learning each day to enjoy the view of the beautiful mountains. I know that the cold that is coming will bring some joys and some struggles. The main one being that I need to be active. I would much rather sit and study by the fire. However, the calories you burn doing that are insignificant. So treadmill in the basement, here I come.

I am feeling better at times. Still strange pains occurring and fatigued muscles. Learning each day to be more intentional about praising the Lord. He is worthy, on that there is no question. It is really a matter of whether or not I am seeing Him or just looking at myself. Therefore, I have begun to look for Him in the dailyness of life. To look for places of grace and beauty in the moment.

The heat of summer and the coolness in the air.

As I thought about how and what to write this morning, the feeling of the cool morning literally makes me know that seasons change. The heat of summer wears us out and although we enjoy those early days, by the end we need some cool refreshing days. My summer has been hot, both literally and figuratively. Extreme schedules, many visitors, tragedy and the heat of my own sin have brought me to my knees . Being trapped by the sin, wrestling with it and crying for deliverance from it, brought me much sweat and toil. Oh that we can lie down in green pastures. Since moving here to the mountains, I am amazed how scripture is so applicable. Lying down in one of these green pastures that I pass everyday with a beautiful blue sky and mountains all around, the coolness of the breeze, can you imagine the peace. Can you just feel the first days of cool weather? When our Lord comes in and grants us repentance, it is like these mornings. Just a taste of comfort, a small portion of what it will be like when we are brought into His heavenly kingdom. I am comforted by the truth that seasons change, there is an expectation that brings delight. Weeping may endure for the night but joy comes in the morning. This life is temporary and the seasons of it are temporary and the trials last for but a moment.

Writing A Book

Well, my young friend Tiffer has always told me to write a book about parenting, being a wife and about life in general. This weekend my new friend Peggy spent about 4 days in our home, she came to me on Sunday and said "you take this for what you want, but I really feel like you should write a book about parenting, being a wife and life in general. " The only thing holding me back is that I feel completely inadequate to write a book, do not feel wise enough to write about life and really have no idea about how to write a book. So that is a small hurdle. LOL, literally. It is very encouraging and kind of these young women, however, I will need the Lord to bring this to pass if it is His will. Anyway it will be a great if I can just be faithful to blogging. :)

Showing Hospitality

I am exhausted physically but so encouraged and charged spiritually today. We have had the opportunity to have missionaries from Africa stay with us for four days. They are the people Bridgette met on her short term missionary trip to Africa. We had people in and out from Thursday to Sunday. Sunday was the whole church, food and fellowship. I enjoy having people in my home so much.

Matt, Peggy and baby Joelle were a delight to have. We enjoyed their fellowship and laughter immensely. It truly was a much needed refreshing.

This week begins the countdown to AGYG. We have rehearsals from 6-10 every night and all day Saturday and Sunday. Then two days off, dress rehearsal for two days and then opening night. It is very exciting. We have learned a lot about the world, ourselves and our God. He is so faithful and His mercies are new everyday.

Navigating open space

I haven’t blogged for a really long time. I think some things have changed, some remain. Today’s post is about my kids.

I have always rejected the idea that I was to send my kids into the world to be ambassadors for Christ at an early age. First of all how do you know that your child is truly saved and therefore an actual ambassador. We have always taught our children to walk in the ways of Christ based on biblical commands, however how could they represent one they do not know, therefore, we felt we must wait.

Now that my children are older and have given credible testimonies of salvation with evidences of repentance, I am ready to send them out as ambassadors of the Lord they claim. However, I am still not ready to send them onto the battlefield all alone or without marching instructions. So off we go into the wide open world to navigate this new space, the theater.

It has been incredible to see how the Lord has met us daily in our reading. We have seen Him answer prayers. We are stretched spiritually and physically. We are having to walk in faith each day to see where he will take us. There are no answers for tomorrow only light for the day. It has been a great thing to walk with my girls on this journey.

#2 stays so close to me, even across the room. She is not venturing into the circles, is it pride, judgement, fear or not wanting to compromise? #1 is all over any laughter or fun that may present itself, is it compromise, trying to reach others for Christ, not using discernment? These are things I cannot give absolute answers for at this time. I see my children having to walk through and make decisions for each step of the way. However, I have been faced with this truth. I am not the author or finisher of their faith. I know the author and finisher of my faith. If their faith is real, He will complete the good work He has begun in them.

This is a new space but I am so thankful that He is giving me the faith to hold onto truth. He isn’t phased by space or time. Since before the foundations of the world, His plan was there, perfect and finished.

2011 and Today

I know I haven't posted for a long time. Perhaps the struggles have lessened and daily life has increased. In January, as most of us do, I wrote out some goals. Here is my list below.

Daily Goals for 2011

Scripture reading and praying

serving husband

teaching/disciple girls

resting in the Lords daily plans for me

making a schedule

family read alouds

church attendance

personal growth reading

gardening

exercising

healthy diet

These things I would like to accomplish this year with the Lord’s help. I would very much enjoy my heart being all there and my body having the energy and gumption to give it all I have got. My time with my girls is shortening. It will be a great opportunity to share these next years with them.

I am so thankful for this list as it has helped me to focus on trusting the Lord for help, guidance and most of all the "resting in the Lords daily plans for me". That has been the hardest this year with the move and the changes. Many questions I have had, but so far 2011 has proven that His plans for my day are just as real and true as His plans for my life. It is so easy to say "God is sovereign and has all my days numbered". Can we trust that this day, no matter how mundane or insignificant or frustrating, was one of those numbered days? It is a challenge and comes only by the renewing of our minds. Well it is only February and the rest of the year is yet to come, good to know it won't take my Father by surprise. By the way, two weeks from now marks the one year anniversary of starting over. It is so good to see God's faithfulness yet again.

Letting go......again.

Tonight's musings: Well it must be about pruning or cutting the apron strings or letting go. I think you get the picture. My daughter is in Africa. She had a situation. She needed me but couldn't get to me. She felt the weight of making the wrong decision, and I feel the sadness in my heart that I couldn't help her. Although the weight of consequences is one I want her to feel, but I want to be there to remind of truths like "we all fall short of the glory of God" and His mercies are new every day" and "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ." There are many more that come to mind and I want to shout them from here to Africa so that she will hear them and be built up in the Lord and encouraged to keep running the race. I must trust that the one who wrote these truths in His word also has and will write them on her heart. He is forever faithful.

As a side note, she and I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding recently and two of my favorite scenes are "why you want to leave me" and "Is he good boy, I don't know. Is he "something else" I don't know." Tonight I feel like this greek dad who has to let go. (By the way, his daughter is 30) MINE IS NOT. However all this is preparation for the future. What future "I don't know." Because I do not know what lies ahead for her or for me, but I do know this, the Creator of the Universe knew before the foundations of the earth that my daughter would go to Africa, and how He would use this in her life and mine. I also know that He is good and that He loves her with a pure love. My prayer tonight is that in this time and that place, that she will find Christ to be all she needs.

My Thankful List

Tonight as a family, we all wrote a list of the things we are thankful for. We shared our lists with each other when we were done. It is amazing to me how the Lord put many of the very same things in each of our hearts. And no, it wasn't nice cars or ipods or things money can buy. It was the core of who we are as a family, and as americans but more importantly, who we are as christians. In fact we talked about the truth that without Christ, none of these other things could be so, nor would they mean as much, it is only in Him that we really know how to rejoice and to see that every good and perfect gift comes from above.

I am also amazed at how this years struggle has been one for gratefulness. It is always there but gets pushed to the side when the pangs of loneliness and fear cloud the way. Taking each thought captive is a must. So what to do when we are weak? Isn't that where the body of Christ comes in, to encourage and help a brother who is going through a weak time? This was on my list, this body of believers of which we are a part, of which Christ bought for us. It should not be taken for granted as some do.

So to end this Thanksgiving Day, I am continuing my pursuit of gratefulness and when I am weak, I know He has given me all I need.

Ruminating

ruminating: to ponder or consider

Today it is hitting me that my oldest daughter is about to take her first flight (both literally and figuratively). She will be traveling to Africa with a team of adults to serve them and an orphanage. She is growing up and moving on. This is what we want for our children. We set out to train them to serve and depend on the Lord alone. Oh, but the letting go is harder than I thought. Sometimes being a big picture person is a real bummer. That makes me laugh, as my friend always told me "everyone doesn't think like you do". I cannot just see that she will leave for two weeks, I see that this is the first flight which will eventually lead to the next and then the final flight from the nest. I suppose it would be hard whatever circumstances but this year is hard because of the loneliness I feel in my new life. It is not necessarily due to the amount of time spent with people. It is more related to the intimacy of relationships. They are not as deep, because the majority of relationships are new. My relationships with my family are changing. My girls are getting older which translates to, more independence. It doesn't help that all this comes during hunting season, a time when I normally feel alone. So what is all this aloneness about? Well scripture says " God's will is for my sanctification." I feel it everyday. I have been trying to be faithful to whatever the Lord has for me each day. There are times when I feel that I am missing so much but then must turn my heart to Him and know that He is performing His perfect will.

Fall Vacation

As you may know, this is my year of change, learning to rejoice in everything and seeking Him as I live each day. We have arrived at the hunting lease in Georgia. For the last 5 years we have been blessed to camp and hunt with friends for a extended period of time. It ranged from 2-5 weeks and 3 to 5 families. This year however we will not all be together as in the past. There will be two families joining us for about 5 days. Then we will see other families but not for camping and hunting. Perhaps things will work out for some camping but as has been true all year, so it is true now, that I have no idea what the plans will be or what the changes will look like, but I am thankful for the blessings of what I have, even if different from what I have had.

Gratitude

I have been contemplating, cultivating a heart of gratitude. Since there are struggles here with my new life in this new place, what does it look like to be grateful. Now I know that I could list all the things that aren't wrong with my life, but I seriously want to be grateful for the life I am living, not just the one I am not.

A couple of days ago, I assigned my 12 year old a writing assignment. The title was to be My New Life in Tennessee. (I really didn't connect the assignment and what was going on with me, at least not consciously). She wrote the following.

My New Life in Tennessee by ERA

Life is a lot different than when we lived in Florida. Houses are farther apart and your farther from town. We have a lot more trees. I like it better in Tennessee than in Florida. One, it is not so crowded. Two, it is a lot prettier, mountains, wildflowers, and crystal clear lakes. Three, our family isn't split up all the time like we used to be. We are homeschooled, so we get done with school about 12:30, then we do our chores and then sometimes we play outside or read. I love my home in Tennessee.

Although we might need to work on the writing abilities, I am truely amazed at the grateful heart. She is taking what she has and being thankful. I want to do that also.

Until next time..............

Loneliness

I have been really feeling lonely lately. I knew it was there, but kept turning my eyes upward and knowing that the Lord has a plan. Last week the tears began to flow pretty constant, even now as I write this and think about loneliness, my eyes are welling up with tears. Just to think about how many people suffer from this everyday and for many years, is enough to break my heart. It is not as if I have no one, many of them literally have no one. I have a wonderful husband, who is just really busy right now trying to keep his head above the water and the tides of this economy and all the changes in our life. I have four beautiful daughters , I am undone thinking about how the Lord has kept them and continues to work in their lives. However, they are growing up. The oldest two are best friends, the youngest two play together. I have a new church with wonderful, warm and caring brothers and sisters. They are all in different seasons of their lives with young children and many of them are several years younger than I. It makes me feel as if I have no one because it seems everyone has someone. I have my dear husband of course but when times are busy like now, it is so hard to connect in a way that really fills me. I am such a people person with such a need to "connect" and I realized today that I am completely missing the many days of fellowship I had in our home before our move. I was a part of a large community and active in many things. Now my days are simple. It was something that I had wanted but had no real idea of how the pangs of loneliness would affect my soul. So much so, that at the first opportunity to "have a party," I really let down my guard. I just operated out of such a desire for fun and fellowship. That could be really dangerous if the Lord didn't keep me and I am so glad He has shown me this place of vulnerability so that I can be on guard. It was a safe place to learn the lesson, and the lesson was easy to remedy. He was faithful to the end as always. Now to lean on Him all the more for this need for fun and fellowship. I wonder if this is just an opportunity to feel for a moment what Jesus felt in the garden when everyone abandoned Him and he needed them to watch and pray. If we remember that we are called to share in the sufferings of Christ, and that trials will come, and that they will purify our faith as gold, then and only then will we look to Christ to be our all sufficient supply. Even though this is just a small taste of suffering, certainly no where near the type of suffering that many of my brothers and sisters around the world are facing. My prayer is that when I am lonely I will remember more deeply those that are truly suffering.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1 2:4

and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:17

But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1st peter 4:13

advice to remember

If we are more critical than encouraging, more dissatisfied than grateful toward our husband, that is a sure sign of self-righteousness. When we are overwhelmed with gratitude for God's mercy toward us, it will be easy to encourage our husbands.

PROVERBS 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Raising daughters who glorify God with their lives.

This statement will inevitably provoke all kinds of responses. I know it does in me. This is a great calling. If I had planned to raise my daughter to be a lawyer, my husband always says this is what I should have been (no one can win an argument with me), I think at least the plan would be easy. She would study hard, go to the best schools, follow with the best college, get in with the best practice and wow your daughter is a lawyer. However, this idea of raising a daughter who glorifies Christ is in fact in line with the great tension of the christian faith. I must do all I can to point her to him, but I cannot work in her heart. Only He can. I can guide, and turn and wrestle but only He can succeed for His own glory. I must rest in Him. Whether or not my daughter is a lawyer or not is really not at stake but her humble submission to biblical femininity is. While this guiding goes on it is imperative that I teach biblical femininity and call her to submission to all that God reveals in His word. This post will be continued.