Letting go......again.

Tonight's musings: Well it must be about pruning or cutting the apron strings or letting go. I think you get the picture. My daughter is in Africa. She had a situation. She needed me but couldn't get to me. She felt the weight of making the wrong decision, and I feel the sadness in my heart that I couldn't help her. Although the weight of consequences is one I want her to feel, but I want to be there to remind of truths like "we all fall short of the glory of God" and His mercies are new every day" and "there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ." There are many more that come to mind and I want to shout them from here to Africa so that she will hear them and be built up in the Lord and encouraged to keep running the race. I must trust that the one who wrote these truths in His word also has and will write them on her heart. He is forever faithful.

As a side note, she and I watched My Big Fat Greek Wedding recently and two of my favorite scenes are "why you want to leave me" and "Is he good boy, I don't know. Is he "something else" I don't know." Tonight I feel like this greek dad who has to let go. (By the way, his daughter is 30) MINE IS NOT. However all this is preparation for the future. What future "I don't know." Because I do not know what lies ahead for her or for me, but I do know this, the Creator of the Universe knew before the foundations of the earth that my daughter would go to Africa, and how He would use this in her life and mine. I also know that He is good and that He loves her with a pure love. My prayer tonight is that in this time and that place, that she will find Christ to be all she needs.

My Thankful List

Tonight as a family, we all wrote a list of the things we are thankful for. We shared our lists with each other when we were done. It is amazing to me how the Lord put many of the very same things in each of our hearts. And no, it wasn't nice cars or ipods or things money can buy. It was the core of who we are as a family, and as americans but more importantly, who we are as christians. In fact we talked about the truth that without Christ, none of these other things could be so, nor would they mean as much, it is only in Him that we really know how to rejoice and to see that every good and perfect gift comes from above.

I am also amazed at how this years struggle has been one for gratefulness. It is always there but gets pushed to the side when the pangs of loneliness and fear cloud the way. Taking each thought captive is a must. So what to do when we are weak? Isn't that where the body of Christ comes in, to encourage and help a brother who is going through a weak time? This was on my list, this body of believers of which we are a part, of which Christ bought for us. It should not be taken for granted as some do.

So to end this Thanksgiving Day, I am continuing my pursuit of gratefulness and when I am weak, I know He has given me all I need.

Ruminating

ruminating: to ponder or consider

Today it is hitting me that my oldest daughter is about to take her first flight (both literally and figuratively). She will be traveling to Africa with a team of adults to serve them and an orphanage. She is growing up and moving on. This is what we want for our children. We set out to train them to serve and depend on the Lord alone. Oh, but the letting go is harder than I thought. Sometimes being a big picture person is a real bummer. That makes me laugh, as my friend always told me "everyone doesn't think like you do". I cannot just see that she will leave for two weeks, I see that this is the first flight which will eventually lead to the next and then the final flight from the nest. I suppose it would be hard whatever circumstances but this year is hard because of the loneliness I feel in my new life. It is not necessarily due to the amount of time spent with people. It is more related to the intimacy of relationships. They are not as deep, because the majority of relationships are new. My relationships with my family are changing. My girls are getting older which translates to, more independence. It doesn't help that all this comes during hunting season, a time when I normally feel alone. So what is all this aloneness about? Well scripture says " God's will is for my sanctification." I feel it everyday. I have been trying to be faithful to whatever the Lord has for me each day. There are times when I feel that I am missing so much but then must turn my heart to Him and know that He is performing His perfect will.

Fall Vacation

As you may know, this is my year of change, learning to rejoice in everything and seeking Him as I live each day. We have arrived at the hunting lease in Georgia. For the last 5 years we have been blessed to camp and hunt with friends for a extended period of time. It ranged from 2-5 weeks and 3 to 5 families. This year however we will not all be together as in the past. There will be two families joining us for about 5 days. Then we will see other families but not for camping and hunting. Perhaps things will work out for some camping but as has been true all year, so it is true now, that I have no idea what the plans will be or what the changes will look like, but I am thankful for the blessings of what I have, even if different from what I have had.

Gratitude

I have been contemplating, cultivating a heart of gratitude. Since there are struggles here with my new life in this new place, what does it look like to be grateful. Now I know that I could list all the things that aren't wrong with my life, but I seriously want to be grateful for the life I am living, not just the one I am not.

A couple of days ago, I assigned my 12 year old a writing assignment. The title was to be My New Life in Tennessee. (I really didn't connect the assignment and what was going on with me, at least not consciously). She wrote the following.

My New Life in Tennessee by ERA

Life is a lot different than when we lived in Florida. Houses are farther apart and your farther from town. We have a lot more trees. I like it better in Tennessee than in Florida. One, it is not so crowded. Two, it is a lot prettier, mountains, wildflowers, and crystal clear lakes. Three, our family isn't split up all the time like we used to be. We are homeschooled, so we get done with school about 12:30, then we do our chores and then sometimes we play outside or read. I love my home in Tennessee.

Although we might need to work on the writing abilities, I am truely amazed at the grateful heart. She is taking what she has and being thankful. I want to do that also.

Until next time..............

Loneliness

I have been really feeling lonely lately. I knew it was there, but kept turning my eyes upward and knowing that the Lord has a plan. Last week the tears began to flow pretty constant, even now as I write this and think about loneliness, my eyes are welling up with tears. Just to think about how many people suffer from this everyday and for many years, is enough to break my heart. It is not as if I have no one, many of them literally have no one. I have a wonderful husband, who is just really busy right now trying to keep his head above the water and the tides of this economy and all the changes in our life. I have four beautiful daughters , I am undone thinking about how the Lord has kept them and continues to work in their lives. However, they are growing up. The oldest two are best friends, the youngest two play together. I have a new church with wonderful, warm and caring brothers and sisters. They are all in different seasons of their lives with young children and many of them are several years younger than I. It makes me feel as if I have no one because it seems everyone has someone. I have my dear husband of course but when times are busy like now, it is so hard to connect in a way that really fills me. I am such a people person with such a need to "connect" and I realized today that I am completely missing the many days of fellowship I had in our home before our move. I was a part of a large community and active in many things. Now my days are simple. It was something that I had wanted but had no real idea of how the pangs of loneliness would affect my soul. So much so, that at the first opportunity to "have a party," I really let down my guard. I just operated out of such a desire for fun and fellowship. That could be really dangerous if the Lord didn't keep me and I am so glad He has shown me this place of vulnerability so that I can be on guard. It was a safe place to learn the lesson, and the lesson was easy to remedy. He was faithful to the end as always. Now to lean on Him all the more for this need for fun and fellowship. I wonder if this is just an opportunity to feel for a moment what Jesus felt in the garden when everyone abandoned Him and he needed them to watch and pray. If we remember that we are called to share in the sufferings of Christ, and that trials will come, and that they will purify our faith as gold, then and only then will we look to Christ to be our all sufficient supply. Even though this is just a small taste of suffering, certainly no where near the type of suffering that many of my brothers and sisters around the world are facing. My prayer is that when I am lonely I will remember more deeply those that are truly suffering.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1 2:4

and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. Romans 8:17

But rejoice insofar as you share Christ’s sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed. 1st peter 4:13

advice to remember

If we are more critical than encouraging, more dissatisfied than grateful toward our husband, that is a sure sign of self-righteousness. When we are overwhelmed with gratitude for God's mercy toward us, it will be easy to encourage our husbands.

PROVERBS 19:11 Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Raising daughters who glorify God with their lives.

This statement will inevitably provoke all kinds of responses. I know it does in me. This is a great calling. If I had planned to raise my daughter to be a lawyer, my husband always says this is what I should have been (no one can win an argument with me), I think at least the plan would be easy. She would study hard, go to the best schools, follow with the best college, get in with the best practice and wow your daughter is a lawyer. However, this idea of raising a daughter who glorifies Christ is in fact in line with the great tension of the christian faith. I must do all I can to point her to him, but I cannot work in her heart. Only He can. I can guide, and turn and wrestle but only He can succeed for His own glory. I must rest in Him. Whether or not my daughter is a lawyer or not is really not at stake but her humble submission to biblical femininity is. While this guiding goes on it is imperative that I teach biblical femininity and call her to submission to all that God reveals in His word. This post will be continued.

Stay AT home mom

I have always been a proponent of the little word "at". Realizing that it is not just a two letter word with no real meaning. "At", I think means "at". Mainly what it has always meant to me, is that my heart was not only geared toward my home, but that my feet were somewhat planted there as well. I have always been careful to not be away from my home too many times in a week. Now that we have moved to Tennessee, my "at" is becoming more clear. I am "at" home. However, as my friend pointed out, my days are great. I am teaching my kids, making things for my home. Enjoying some much needed rest and still there is an unrest that lingers. I am not sure what it is, ungratefulness, need to be needed outside or just that I am in transition to my new life. Today we read about pruning. When the pruning first takes place, the plant will go through a specific time of trial. It does not produce immediate fruit, however, without that pruning, it would not continue to produce any fruit. I am trying to recognize these things so as to receive with gratefulness the pruning of my Lord. He does all things well.

My rosy posy is 12 today. She shaved her legs. That is a right to passage at age 12 in our home. Somehow, she seems so much younger than the older two did at 12. Is it just that I am realizing that they are all growing up so fast and my time as a full time mommy will be over sooner than I ever realized? Perhaps. I think about the days when they all were young, it was hard having 4 small children, now they are all independent for the most part and I miss those days of snuggling and reading aloud. We still snuggle and read aloud but for different reasons. We read aloud because we need to read this history book for school. We snuggle because time is almost up. When they are little you read to encourage their love for learning and you snuggle because they want their mommy. I will have to finish this post later, got to take that baby skiing.

Spurgeon

I haven't posted for awhile, but my friend posted this on her blog. So good.

"I am sure that, in my early youth, no teaching ever made such an impression upon my mind as the instruc tion of my mother; neither can I conceive that, to any child, there can be one who will have such influence over the young heart as the mother who has so tenderly cared for her offspring. A man with a soul so dead as not to be moved by the sacred name of "mother" is creation's blot. Never could it be possible for any man to estimate what he owes to a godly mother. Certainly I have not the powers of speech with which to set forth my valuation of the choice blessing which the Lord bestowed on me in making me the son of one who prayed for me, and prayed with me. How can I ever forget her tearful eye when she warned me to escape from the wrath to come? I thought her lips right eloquent; others might not think so, but they certainly were eloquent to me. How can I ever forget when she bowed her knee, and with her arms about my neck, prayed, "Oh, that my son might live before Thee!" Nor can her frown be effaced from my memory—that solemn, loving frown, when she rebuked my budding iniquities; and her smiles have never faded from my recollections— the beaming of her countenance when she rejoiced to see some good thing in me towards the Lord God of Israel." --Charles Spurgeon The Early Years 1834-1860 Volume 1

HT: Girltalk

The busyness of Life.

We have been here 115 days today. We have had company approximately 53 of those days. We have company again today. That leaves 62 days without company. 16 of those days were Sundays, which means church all day. 13 of these days were hospitality days, either people here or us at someone's home. There are 9 days that we either served someone, had a travel play date or had all day piano lessons. So as far as I can figure. We have had 24 quiet days. Today will be one of those days for which I am grateful.

Happy Fathers Day

For most of us Fathers Day is a day of conflicting emotions. Some may have strained relations with their father and some have the kind of relationship where every one just exists together. Some may have no real relation at all. Some may have the most wonderful dad in the world. However, sin taints all those relationships, both the sins of the father and the sins of the child. For our relationship with our Heavenly Father, it is not so. If we belong to Christ, then we know that He has paid it all. Our Heavenly Father has no sin and all our sins are paid for by the blood of Christ. How amazing that despite our skewed view of what a father is, Our Heavenly Father has shown us His perfectness by showing us His Son. And His Son has paid it all so that we have the Father. So if you are in Christ. Let the love of Christ be your guide this Fathers Day, and celebrate the forgiveness that is ours and ours to give.

Poem for my husband on our anniversary.

There is a pattern between you and me,

The week before our anniversary.

We seem to have the toughest time,

But grace is the focus of our life.

If it weren’t for His love,

That comes from above,

Our love would be shallow

And wouldn’t last the morrow.

But through it all our love stands firm.

It is by grace and mercy, to confirm.

And so it is that even now,

We are still in love, and oh how.

So this year, I say to you,

Look up to Him to carry us through.

And while you look, say a prayer

Because it is for you, that I will always care.

I know that I would miss you terribly,

If ever we were carelessly,

Forgetting the promises we have made,

Just to get by and know no pain.

And so I say Happy Anniversary,

To you and to me.

Because this year is eighteen,

And the best is yet to be seen.

Thoughts

As I sit and ponder, and know my heart would wander,

Because of the pain and seemingly no gain.

Must is always be this way, can't we grow past this day?

It seems a repeat, of past hurts and defeat.

All I want is to have joy, but I understand it as "enjoy"

And look to the world to employ, what I think of as joy.

But joy is not this, for joy must be found only in Him.

Joy, true joy, is not of this world,

It comes from knowing the One who conquered the ploys.

The enemy set a snare, for us all.

But joy rushes in , when on our knees we fall.

And seek out the One, who answered the call.

For the joy set before Him, He endured death, even death unto the cross.

It is for joy, the joy set before us that we rest in that cross.

Psalm 45:4-5

Then I go to the alter of God, to God my exceeding joy,

And I will praise you with the lyre, O God my God.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God for I shall praise Him,

my salvation and my God.

10 things I love about my husband

1. He loves Christ.

2. He loves his children.

3. He has a heart for widows.

4. He is a hard worker.

5. He does not deny the children and I the things we need.

6. He does whatever it takes to provide them.

7. He works great with his hands and can fix most things and will try to fix many more things.

8. He has a great smile.

9. No one can make me laugh or cry the way he does.

10. He would give glory to God for all these things.

Shopping

Shopping today was wonderful...except having to buy the "bigger" size. However, it is what it is. What is it? Why is it my friend goes gluten free and gets skinny and I go gluten free and gain weight. Seems like the forever battle, but I suppose the battle will end one day and for now I will have to fight it. Lets see, next to no carbs, no sugar, mostly berries for fruit, rice and salads. Oh and don't forget potatoes because at restaurants in the south, that may be the only thing Gluten free. Oh and church functions in the south are great too....FRIED CHICKEN, FRIED EVERYTHING, GRAVIES AND EVERY KIND OF DESSERT YOU COULD EVERY DREAM OF. Well, my gluten free life is just getting started, hopefully the weight will not continue to pack on.

Today, the girls begin a piano and speech class. I am hopeful for what good this will bring in their lives. I realize that homeschooling is looking a lot different now that they are getting older. I am thankful for all the years that I took a relaxed approach. I am thankful for all the years of snuggling and reading. I am thankful for each daughter and how they have grown and matured and the fruit that I see in their life. As I get older and my childrens lives change, I know that those early years were so pivotal in shaping the relationships I have with each daughter.

My friend said to me today "You always come back to the truth." Wow, I pray that statement will always be true of me. What hope is there but the truth of God's word? The worlds truth is ever changing, the truth of our own minds is shaped by our emotions, but the truth of God's word is eternal. What a solid ground to stand on! Our God is an awesome God.

Wishing

Wishing.....now I know better. The Lord knows all I need before I even ask. I do not have to wish. I only need to trust that my heavenly father is all He says He is in His word. He never sleeps not slumbers, He is sovereign. He is only good, righteous and just. However, tonight I am wishing that my friend never had to leave, that the Lord would move her and her family here with me. How I miss her....and I am even afraid that now when she goes.....I WILL MISS HER MORE.

quakquak

Good Gifts

Good gifts: There have been many over the years. My husband is so generous to me. He always looks for ways to bless me. This good gift is, he brought my dear friend and her children to see me. I have missed her terribly since the move. It is so surreal for her to be sitting here with me. However, in the same sense, we haven't missed a beat. What a joy to have a GOOD GIFT.

As the book of James says "Every good and perfect gift comes from above."

Gluten Free living

Recently I found out that I have Celiac disease. What a blow. It is not hard...just inconvenient. I went out to dinner with my husband for his 40th birthday, he ordered our favorite, Lobster Bisque. He added "you want some also, right" RIGHT! I want some. However I couldn't have it. I had a lovely dinner, grilled salmon, rice, broccoli. Why is it that we want so badly what we cannot have. Discontent aka sin. I am learning to be grateful for what I have, not focusing on what I cannot have. Seems like I have been learning this same lesson on gratefulness for awhile. Trials in marriage, trials with health, trials with finances, trials with relationships, trials, trials, trials. Yet I am so blessed and if I will see the goodness of the Lord in my everyday life instead of whining about the trials, I think contentment will come.

Psalm 63:3 Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.

Today's musings

Today is one of those days, where the reality of today and the reality of future needs are crashing together on the waves, of the shore, of my already overwhelmed life. Today, I need to finish weeding the beds, make food for my family, read with my children and do some household chores. The problem is, that I am overwhelmed and tired. I am contemplating all that homeschooling a high schooler involves. Feeling the need to "get the studies done" and remembering that I homeschool so that I may disciple my children and live life with them while we learn. The mounting realities of their growing up cause my heart to question. How will I direct them, how will I prepare them, what will I do?

Musings on Gardening

Yesterday, we spent our morning planting. I have always thought of this in a romantic way, however, yesterday's experience, has taught me new things. The ground is hard, to hoe it up and ready it for planting is hard work. Once done, it is a small area maybe two feet by five feet. Gladiolas are planted there. Weeding the beds that are overgrown is not, by far, romantic. However, now there is lavender, blueberries, raspberries and marigolds planted there. The fruit of this hard work will not be immediate but if the Lord blesses it, it will be a good harvest.